2002-10-31: Celtic 1-0 Blackburn Rovers, UEFA Cup

1 min Welcome to the Big One. Celtic kick off. The teams emerged to a massive roar. From the Celtic fans. The noise is incredible. It’s tense. Damn tense. Hence the short sentences. For some reason. Short sentences. Make it seem. Even tenser. Don’t they? As assorted media pundits have bneen pontificating, this hostile atmosphere won’t bother the Blackburn players, who are used to playing in large Premiership grounds like Old Trafford. Well, most of them are. Except Dwight Yorke.
2 mins: Celtic win a corner immediately and nothing comes of it. Graeme Souness delayed his arrival onto the pitch until the game kicked off. He must have something in his eye, as the Celtic supporters, to a man, are now bidding him welcome by telling him he’s a winker. I think. I can’t quite tell with those Scottish accents.
3 mins: Duff goes on his first mazy dribble down the left for Blackburn and is shepherded out to the corner and dispossessed.
4 mins: Petrov robs Neill on the right wing and passes to Lennon who tees it up for a Rob Douglas welly. Rob will be known as Rab from now on, as that’s what they do up in Scotland.
7 mins: Blackburn have started very promisingly with some neat passing. Duff tried to find Johansson with a good ball down the left, but Valgaeren made a crucial interception.
9 mins: Agathe skins Johansson down the right wing and crosses for Petrov who fires a bullet with his head. Somehow, Friedel keeps it out with his left arm. A brilliant save from point-blank range.
10 mins: Henrik Larsson tests Friedel with another header and the in-form ‘keeper passes muster again. Now Rab Douglas is called into action and saves well from Thompson, who should have done better from about 10 yards. Whew! This is shaping up to be a right humdinger.
14 mins: Nobody’s had a shot on goal for almost four minutes. Amazing. “Barry, I’ve been sitting at my desk here in Lima, Peru, gnawing my fingernails for the last five hours, waiting for this game to start,” says the appropriately monikered David Shanks, who may or may not be related to Longshanjks from Braveheart, or indeed, toilet maker Armitage Shanks. “I bet you, win or lose, Souness storms the pitch at the end of the game and plants a Union Jack in the centre circle. And just for the record, Braveheart is the most repeated film on Peruvian TV of all time, such is its popularity.”
15 mins: Blackburn win a free for offside and the game seems to have calmed down a bit. There’s a lot of scrapping in midfield at the moment.
16 mins: Blackburn win a free wide on the right and it’s hoofed into the Celtic box. After a big kerfuffle in the penalty area, featuring no end of headers and scuffed volleys, it’s scrambled clear and Henrik Larsson breaks. Taylor robs him.
18 mins: Celtic win a corner. Thompson takes it, but Balde and Laursen collide in the box and the ball evades both of them.
19 mins: Blackburn’s David Thompson (as opposed to Celtic’s Alan Thompson) carelessly allows Neil Lennon to steal the ball off his toe at the edge of his own box. Luckily for him, Tugay is there to get him out of jail. Forget what I said about things calming down, this game is being played at 150mph.
20 mins: Lucas Neill sees yellow for bringing down Celtic Thompson on the left flank. Nowt comes of the ensuing free.
23 mins: Blackburn Thompson swings in a free from the left won by Damien Duff from Bobo Balde. It’s cleared by Tugay.
25 mins: Despite the name, David Shanks has mailed in to say he’s 100% Braveheart. No mention of any bloodlines between himself and toilet-tycoon Armitage, though.
26 mins: Larsson wins a corner from Craig Short. Sutton swings it in to the near post and it’s headed clear. Celtic win another corner.
27 mins: It’s gone quiet again, although don’t expect that to last. Here’s some atmosphere for our Internet subscribers who can’t be at the match. A;ltogether now … “LOW LIE THE FIELDS OF ATHENRY, WHERE ONCE WE WATCHED THE SMALL FREE BIRDS FLY! OUR LOVE WAS ON THE WING, WE HAD DREAMS AND SONGS TO SING, IT’s SO LONELY, ROUND THE FIELDS OF ATHENRY”. For those of you who are unaware of the fact, Athenry is a town in County Galway, who my home club of Birr regularly beat at hurling (the game with the sticks) in the All Ireland Club Championship.
30 mins: Celtic win a free a nice bit out. It’s humped into the box by Agathe. Badly. Goal-kick.
31 mins: That was funny. Dwight Yorke got the ball deep inside his own half, sprinted for about 40 yards with it glued to his toe and then just fell over. I bet that never happens when he’s out chasing skirt.
34 mins: A dangerous cross from Damien Duff was whistling towards the head of Dwight Yorke when, out of nowhere, Celtic Thompson headed it wide for a corner. It’s cleared but Rovers win a free-kick. Blackburn Thompson hits it straight into Rab’s arms. Some of the set-piece deliveries tonight from both sides have been very poor.
36 mins: My apologies for any delays in transmission but my PC is starting to act the can. Blackburn have missed two very scorable chances, both from low hard crosses from Blackburn Thompson on the right wing. One went behind the onrushing Ostenstad and … er, I can’t remember what happened the other. I’m a model pro, me.
39 mins: Dwight Yorke missed a very good chance after being set up by some nifty footwork from Blackburn Thompson. Yorkie’s low, hard shot from five yards was blocked by a defender. He just couldn’t make room for himself. Oh, here we go. Celtic Thompson gets booked for a foul on his Blackburn namesake. The latter proceeds to blast his free straight at Rab Douglas. It’s no problem for the big man. By the way, before you start mailing me to get the technical support folk up here quickly, don’t bother. They don’t like to be disturbed during their nightly Dungeons & Dragons competitions. Or during the day.
43 mins: Laursen hoofs it clear after a hypnotic game of head-tennis on the edge of the Celtic box. The Blackburn attack was started when Friedel threw the ball three-quarters of the length of the field to Egil Ostenstad. Mighty.
Half-time: It’s the interval, and how the players must need a rest. Blackburn have definitely had the better of it thanks to Duff and Thompson. They’ll be disgusted it’s still scoreless.
Half-time entertainment: Here’s a good one: “I am in a pickle,” writes Barry M, who works for a well known finance house. “I have two options tomorrow night. Get outrageously drunk with the lads in the local and fall into a club at closing. Or go along to a dull birthday party of one of the girls in work because a girl I really want to sleep with will be there. Before you answer, bear in mind that I haven’t gotten laid in nine months and I get really drunk two, sometimes three, nights a week. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.”
Well, Baz, for what it’s worth, I think you should go out with lads as you’re probably an accountant or an IT worker going by your e-mail address. If you do work in IT or accountacny, I reckon you have no chance whatsoever of ever getting a girl, and certainly don’t believe that you’ve ever pulled. What do the rest of you think? Mark your mails Barry M’s Dilemma, please.
45 mins: The second half starts. Andy Cole has come on for Blackburn, but I’m not sure who’s gone off. Probably Ostenstad. “Why do you miss the word ‘kick’ whenever you write ‘free kick’?” enquires William Rickson, who gives no indication if he’s related to Rangers defender Fernando or, indeed, William of Orange. It’s an Irish thing, William. And it takes less time.
46 mins: The helpful suggestions are coming in thick and fast for Barry M the accountant/IT nerd. Most of them are unprintable, but the recurring theme is that he should cater for his own urges by gratifying himself. Blackburn win a corner.
47 mins: The corner is cleared. Blackburn are making Celtic run around like eejits at the moment. They just can’t get the ball.
50 mins: A poor defensive header by Flitcroft goes straight to Sutton, who shoots straight at Friedel. He should have done better.
51 mins: Yorke skies one over the bar and wins another corner for Blackburn, as it took a deflection off Lambert. Nothing comes of it.
52 mins: Celtic get a chance to attack. Lennon curls one in from the left, but – I think – Tugay heads clear. Throw for Celtic. Celtic Thompson falls in instalments outside the box and wins a free from Tugay. Celtic Thompson gets up and swings it in towards Sutton, but Taylor heads clear. He has Sutton in his pocket.
54 mins: Duff takes on Lambert and Johansson down the left and tries to find Yorke, but doesn’t. At the far end, Larsson takes on Neill and comes out second best.
57 mins: A long overdue lull. “My husband Phelim Boyle (our resident maths celebrity. Type his name into Google if you don’t believe me – BG) who harrasses you regularly is very distressed at being unable to follow the game tonight. He is in Toronto trying to raise money from industry people for research and education,” writes Mary Hardy, who obviously didn’t love her husband enough to take his name. Go sister!
58 mins: An attack down the right by Yorke and Cole is ruined by Valgaeren. Celtic are really under the cosh here, although they’ve had a reasonable few minutes. Unfortunately for them, it’s not Dunfermline they’re playing. It’s a Premiership team that’s probably only marginally better than Hibs.
61 mins: Lennon brings it on for Celtic. Valgaeren passes it to Agathe on the right wing, but Johansson nicks it off his toe.
62 mins: Larsson ruins a good chance with a bad touch on the edge of the six-yard box. A lot of people are wondering if the Barry featured in the half-time entertainment is really me. Do. Me. A. Favour. First of all, I have no such problems, and even if I had, the very notion that I’d look for advice from you rabble is laughable. Ha!
63 mins: David Dunn replaces Damien Duff for Blackburn. The ferocious be-hooped behemoth that is the Celtic faithful appear to have dozed off.
67 mins: Celtic are getting much more possession in this half than they did in the first. Unfortunately, they’re doing sod all with it.
68 mins: Larsson breaks down the right and Short robs him with a good tackle and there’s a bit of afters. Throw for Celtic. Taylor beats Sutton in the air. Again. Lads like Sutton, Larsson, Lennon and Lambert should be standing up to be counted tonight and they’re doing absolutely nothing. Is it laziness, or are they just not used to playing half-decent opposition? I don’t see enough Scottish football to be able to comment. Answers on a postcard please.
72 mins: By the way, that’s the only bit of serious comment you’ll get out me tonight. It is only the Uefa Cup after all. Let’s not lose the run of ourselves.
73 mins: A nice little back-heel to Cole by Yorke is wasted when the Sullen One gives it away with a dreadful pass. The crowd are deathly silent.
75 mins: What do you do when you’re the Northern Irish manager of the Scottish champions who are getting played off the park, at home, by a very average Premiership side from an area of England more famous for black puddings than football? You take off Paul Lambert and bring on – drum roll, please – John Hartson. The big Welshman waddles on to tumultuous apathy.
78 mins: Oh lord! Hartson and Taylor attempt to mount each other in the corner of the Blackburn box. Taylor is going one way, while Hartson is backing into him with his not inconsiderably sized backside. Hartson then falls over, attempts to get up and falls over again. Quality slapstick comedy, but it has no place on a football field.
80 mins: Momo Sylla replaces Agathe for Celtic. That’s Momo, Bobo and Hartson we have playing for the home side now. Or is this an episode of The Three Stooges?
83 mins: Sorry, David Dunn went close-ish with two long-range efforts a couple of minutes ago. However, they weren’t so close that I was prepared to stop making fun of John Hartson to chronicle them for you at the time.
85 mins: GOAL Celtic 1 – 0 Blackburn Well, it was a stone-wall certainty that was going to happen after all the slagging I was giving John Hartson. Celtic won a corner, it was swung in, Johnny rose like a salmon and headed past Friedel, only to see Blackburn Thompson head it brilliantly off the line. However, Henrik Larsson was on hand to poke the rebound into an empty net from a yard or two. A brilliant header from Hartson. Didn’t I say he was brilliant? Didn’t I?
89 mins: The crowd have certainly woken up now. They’re loving this. And why not. I’d say they can’t believe their luck. If they come out of this game with a win, it’ll be one of the spawniest, jammiest results in the history of football.
91 mins: Game over. Somehow, Celtic manage to win a game they shouold probably have lost by five or six goals. Martin O’Neill claps his players on the back as they march off with a one goal lead to take to Ewood Park. Barry M of the half-time entertainment fame, has mailed in again to say that he’s not an accountant and doesn’t work in IT. He is, in fact, employed in risk management. It’s all the same to me, mate. Anyway, if your silver-tongued chat-up techniques are even half as lamentable as the platitudes concerning the ladeez in your e-mails, I can assure you you’re going to die alone with an arthritic wrist! Best of luck all the same. Anyway, thanks to the rest of you for your e-mails as well, and fair play to Celtic, who certainly enjoyed the luck of the Irish tonight.
The troops
Celtic Bravehearts*: Douglas, Valgaeren, Balde, Laursen, Agathe, Lennon, Lambert, Petrov, Thompson, Larsson, Sutton.
Subs: Gould, Sylla, Hartson, Fernandez, Maloney, Guppy, Crainey.
Blackburn Longshanks*: Friedel, Neill, Short, Johansson, Taylor, Thompson, Flitcroft, Tugay, Duff, Ostenstad, Yorke.
Subs: Dunn, Cole, Jansen, Grabbi, Kelly, Gillespie, Douglas.
Referee: Hermann Albrecht (Kaufbeuren)
* Note to Americans. That’s a feeble attempt at humour. But Brad Friedel is great, so lets not fall out over it.
Kick-off: 8.05pm